People move
run, flee, seem
to be in one place
constantly moving

And I'm
always standing
next to everything
that pulls, bounces,
and deflects nothing

(unless I'm beside
a claw machine)

Nothing is assumed unmovable nothingness.
The button determines...
empty determination.

Instead
NOW
I've WON!!!

who needs a job
with bears that sit
on a closet shelf.

Reason--with all its purpose--
Provides the flaw
That mis-soothes meaning
With mindful doubt.

It vanishes in liquid:
In the gush/splat/trinkle of mistakes,
In the accumulating beads of emotion,
In the herald of hammer, heat, heave.

It decieves in practice:
The structured path to acknowledgement
Leads to the most logical destructuion--
Marching to idealogical suicide.

To forget is the escape
To physical magnificance
Of the focus on the intoxicating bliss
Of why any person imagines...

The world must be livable
Because of ideas,
Despite the informing detailed mirror
That cannot reflect itself.

I have just been reading through all my old entries and comments, and for the most part I don't remember writing most of it. Some of it was absolutley ridiculous, some was touching, but most of it was just there. ANyways at least I wasted all that time.
So I am pretty tired cause in the past two days I have played 91 holes of disc golf, but I'm 80% sure I have a test tomorrow, and I might as well stay up all night and study. I really depise school, the longer I am here the more I hate being here. Oh well suck it up I suppose.
A couple of new things has occurred since my last entry, I just stopped caring mostly. I don't play the guitar anymore, I really haven't consistantly played for the past three months or so, maybe just five times in the past three months. I really only play the piano but not writing songs just practicing songs for my piano class. but I mean whatever I dont really have passion anymore for it. but I am really fine with it, I am thinking about just dropping my music minor, as long as it doesnt postpone my graduation, I want to get the fuck out of school and the fuck out of bowling Green/Kentucky/America. BUt then again I might just move in with my parents and be jobless and strive for nothing. I really just dont care, or maybe I am just really selfish. Anyway I have to study and read about 80 pages. Fuck school, it has ruined me, hopefully one day I can ruin it.

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That is my latest poem. and I had to mark the lines so that it would post them so just ignore those hyphens and this explanation is not here. damn machines!

Current Location: the gingeys
Current Mood: okay

I was pulling out at a stop sign this morning when I got 't-boned' by this car. - just remember puling out and then the next thing I knew my airbags were lying limp and I couldn't breathe. Someone told me to get out of my car and said my head was bleeding. Then I was sittin on a curb holding something on my head and they told me to call someone if I had anyone close by. I called bea. Then I saw this woman crying and she asked if I was ok, I asked if I hit her, she said yes, so I asked if she was hurt and then apologized for the accident. Next thing I knew I was in an ambulance. My knee hurt really bad and they were asking for my birthday and stuff. Then I was in a hospital room. I pretty much remember everything from then on. I had to get eight staples on the left side of my head, and they are ridiculously gross. My knee wasn't broken just badly bruised, and now my entire body feels like a briuse. I'm on bed rest until monday, just in time to go take my test for jazz appreciation. - guess I'm pretty lucky since the woman smashed right into me on my side of the car, and I was able to walk out of the car without any broken bones, just the 2 to 3 inch gash in my head, but I don't feel like it was that serious. Some people might feel like a new person from escaping possible death and bad injury, but I just feel like its any other day. Anyway I should be okay, the doctor said sometimes it takes a couple of days for head injuries to really sink in, right now I can only sleep in two hours sifts and my mom looking for sign of internal bleeding, but I'm pretty confident that I'm alright. I just hope I am able to walk to class on monday. And hope I can find a way to wash my hair so that I don't look disgusting. Anyway, I don't really want to be babied cause it isn't too serious, or anyone to freak out cause I want to just get through everything, but I love evryone, I just wanted to tell u I'm fine.

Current Location: my mommy's house
Current Mood: content

I hadn't written a song in three months. I had even gave up on my music for a couple weeks, not even playing guitar everyday, but then i just picked it up and without thinking started playing what would become my new song. I had just watched Dan in Real Life a couple days prior, so it is kinda inspired by the soundtrack. I've been sitting with my verses and chorus for a while but now I just finished the bridge, so it is complete. The song probablly took two weeks to finish (compared to my normal two hours, that's a really long time)and I feel like it could be a really good song, it is even on the happier side. Anyway It is called If You Save My World, and it goes a little something like this:

Dangling on the end
of my knotted, slightly rotted rope,
I'm hanging tight to begin
on my last but surely vast hope

If you save my world.
If you save my world.
If you'll fight for me, I'll fight for you
and you might see I could save your's too
If you save my world.

Knowing that you are someone
with a controlling and yet bestowing urge,
I'm hoping you'll rise above
your normal mess. You'd allow you're best to emerge

if you save my world.
If you save my world.
If you'll fight for me I'll fight for you
and you might see I could save your's too
If you save my world.

Don't leave me thirsting
don't leave me cold.
I've no control
so I need you
to be strong, to be bold.
You'll be my hero

If you save my world.
If you save my world.
If you'll fight for me I'll fight for you
and you might see I could save your's too
If you save my world.

Anyway maybe the lyrics aren't the best but I think they are better with music. I don't know maybe they are fine considering I've had a dry spell. beggars can't be choosers I suppose. The music is not genius, but pretty catchy, and I guess that's what people like so maybe that's a good thing. anyway I hope it can pay the bills :)

After I read some Harry Potter last night, I decided to call it a night because I could barely keep my eyes open. I was over beas laying on her couch about to drift to sleep when I realized I had moved to the blue chair by the fire place. I decided to go ahead and light a fire, and got it going pretty good, but then I relized that i had been half-asleep, trying to light this fire, and through my heavy eyelids I noticed that the fire didnt look like it was in her fireplace, it looked more like her couch. I tried to jerk myself awake but i couldnt fight the overwhelming sleep. I was stumbling around trying to locate the fire trying to open my eyes, and a fell on the couch. I woke up really excitedly looking for a fire, but I had just dreamt it all. Dezi and Tiffany were up in the chairs playing some zombie videogame. I told them about my fire dream, and I watched them play some of the videogame. I closed my eyes still hearing the crickets sound effects from the game when all the sudden i heard what sounded like a real dog bark coming from behind the couch I was laying on. I asked them if they heard it but when I opened my eyes it was dark and there was no crickets or dezi and tiffany. Then this dog just jumped on top of me all excited, and barking. I was stunned about the strange dog (where did it come from, and did just dream dezi and tiff were there) but then I woke up. It was just a dream, I kept saying to myself, and I started to try to find a more comfortable position, but before I did I woke up. This time I new I had to be awake, I had to prove it. I started jumping up and down, screaming throwing myself against the couch when finally, I actually woke up, I wasn't sure at first. I started poking myself in the ribs, and I tried to overcome a weird and terified sensation. I stayed up for a little bit to make sure then layed back down to have a more normal hogwartisque dream. Now it is obvious to me that everything from the fire to the screaming was all one big dream (maybe nightmare), but it felt that each awakening was real. I feel like I had a dream of insanity, where I couldn't distinguish reality from delusion. I was finding a false sense of reality in my subconscious, and even when I could tell a difference I was thrown into another false security. I guess the mind is a dangerous yet interesting thing. I dream while I'm awake and awake while I dream.

So, I am writing this on my phone so please excuse any problems, but here is another poem inspired by my bedtime ciggy. This poem is called A Moth in the Rain.

Fluttering to nature's defiance,
Which draws you higher
And dampens u more,

You ascend in bursts
Between wet beatings.

You want just one,
Only that one naked
Unreachable bulb
For phenominal fascades.

No safe low sheltered glow
Will sufice a hunger
For achievement,

This is America!

Current Location: the gingeys
Current Mood: devious

So I went outside to smoke a cigarette, and I had a transcendental moment of sorts. So here is another stupid boring poem. Read it if you must. It is called Jazz in the driveway.

Jazz in the driveway
amidst the city noise,
late night hustle bustle
there drums a funky beat
of a trunk-filled bass.
Wails and whines
of goodtimes,
and the scatting
chatter of just
the booze talking.

A train howls
an epic ballad
of coming
and going,
and center stage--
twinkling in lights--
a vocalist, smooth, liquid.
Ripples in time
swings a rhyme,
an impromptu
drip
drip,drip
drip.

So anyway that is my take on trains, fraternity parties, and puddles.

Current Location: the gingeys
Current Mood: sleepy

So as you might have known, I went to see Alanis Morissette in concert tonite but really compared to what happened earlier it wasn't that exciting. Some of you may laugh, some of u will think I'm an idiot, and some of you will think I'm lying, but this is what happened.
Before the show we went to a bookstore on 4th street and while I'm looking in the foreign film section Bea comes running around the corner to tell me Alanis is actually in the store. I didn't know what to think--keep in mind that I have never met anyone remotely famous before in my life. So I decide to not run up to her like a stupid obsessed fan (I like to think I am more than that.) So I cruise to the documentaries to find the movies I missed in class. Just as I am skimming she turns the corner and is face to face with me, I kind of giggled and just turned back to the documentaries. She joined me in the section and we just stood there, side by side looking at movies for ever. My heart was like beating out of my chest and I didn't know what to say, and I felt like anything I would have said would just be stupid, cliche, and stuttered. So I just stood there trying to remember what a documentary was. Afterwards I was kinda disappointed with myself, but It was kinda weird that the first song she sang at the concert was uninvited:
Like anyone would be
I am flattered by your fascination with me
Like any hot blooded woman
I have simply wanted an object to crave
But you're not allowed
You're uninvited
An unfortunate slight


Must be strangely exciting
To watch the stoic squirm
Must be somewhat heartening
To watch shepard meet shepard
But you're not allowed
You're uninvited
An unfortunate slight


Like any uncharted territory
I must seem greatly intriguing
You speak of my love like
You have experienced like mine before
But this is not allowed
You're uninvited
An unfortunate slight


I don't think you unworthy
I need a moment to deliberate

Anyway she wasn't as tall as I thought she was, she was actually my height and she was totally drowning me with the old lady perfume she was wearing. The way i figure it now, a million people can say they met Alanis Morissette, but I looked at DVDs with her. I wonder how weird I looked haha. I can't believe I was shoulder to shoulder with my idol and didn't even say thank you for inspiration, but I'm sure she gets that all the time, or that is what I'm gonna tell myself. Anyway I'm glad the first famous person I ever got to see in person was her, thanks life:)

Current Location: the gingeys
Current Mood: ecstatic